dearest mother....

I always know when my mother has been to stay for a few days.

Firstly, I can't find everyday useful things that she has helpfully put away for me in utterly random places. Then there are the tissues. My mother thinks it is vitally important that she carry a clean tissue tucked in her sleeve at all times however they then fall out and end up scattered all around my house. Then there are the 'healthy' things I find lost at the back of the fridge such as cucumber, celery and watercress. I don't know whether the story that you use more calories eating them than you get from them is true, but I hope so. At least if they make dieters happy these bland items may be justified in some way. Fridges in my opinion should be reserved for nice things such as butter, cream, chocolate and beer.

After a visit from mum I do feel a bit exhausted. My mother and I have always got along reasonably well but after a few days we do start grating on each other's nerves. Now, I think this is pretty normal and probably because we're actually quite alike. Personally, I've always thought that those "we're best friends" mother-and-daughter types are completely nauseating.

Luckily, my mother isn't preachy on how we should bring up the duracell toddler (DT) but does like to repeatedly mention in a 'I'm just concerned for your health way', my fondness for takeaways at weekends, my weight and how great I looked when I was slimmer. She usually refers to an old photo of me taken at school at age 16, where I'm about a stone lighter with a very dodgy perm (it was the late 80's). Nowadays I admit I'm a little overweight but the way she talks you'd think that I was going to have to book two plane seats on our next holiday.
Other than these minor flaws, of which I know I have even more, my mother is pretty great really. I have always known she loves me and is there for me when I need her.

There are certain mothers, however, whom i'm sure we've all met who are just mean to their poor and often undeserving offspring. I'm always glad they're not my mother and it makes me feel very lucky. A lady I saw a few days ago illustrated this beautifully; Mrs L was a little, hunched-over frail-looking old lady, who walked with a stick. Appearances can be extremely deceptive. Following a life-long pattern of being rather angry and unpleasant towards her husband and only child, the early stages of a dementing illness had not improved her personality. Despite lots of support from home care, her daughter and friends, this lady was often angry and this was usually directed towards her daughter. She would often beat her long-suffering daughter with her walking stick, swearing at her and saying that her daughter was neglecting her. Recently this had increased so much that her daughter was worried about visiting her and was covered in bruises. Immediately after assaulting her daughter, Mrs L would be contrite and say how sorry she was, begging her daughter not to go. Mrs L had consistently stated that she wanted to stay living at home and refused to consider any other housing options such as sheltered housing or a residential home.

During my meeting with Mrs L she generally answered my questions in a quiet manner, often referring to her daughter to support her responses. However, halfway through our chat Mrs L's whole demeanour altered abruptly. She shouted her daughter's name so sharply and viciously that I jumped several inches off my chair. This was followed by a long series of expletives. The venom in her voice was remarkable. I felt so sorry for her daughter. She was doing everything she could to help her mother but was constantly being derided and abused. I couldn't help thinking that if it was me, I don't think I would've been so supportive.

My mother sometimes asks me if I will care for her in her old age. By this she means 'come and live with us'. Sounds pretty scary to me. I tell her half-joking, that she'll have to play her cards right. But I think that as long as I build her a granny flat, lock my cupboards, eat celery and attach a hanky to her wrist with elastic we should be absolutely fine.....