Today I had one of those 'lightbulb' moments regarding this blog. I couldn't quite understand why I was wanting to write on here - I'm not a great writer or wordsmith and struggle to make any sense at times. I'm a chatty person, so why am I doing this?
I think the point is I'm actually feeling a bit lonely and lost at the moment. Over the last few years for a number of reasons I've managed to become more and more cut off from my old friends and now I'm not quite sure where I fit in. It started with going overseas to work for a few years, everyone else stayed behind and of course, moved on with their lives. When I returned we were still good friends but I couldn't just move back and carry on where we'd left off. Unfortunately, they had other friends/boyfriends they now did that with and I had Mr O and lived 30 miles away, not around the corner. I have made some friends here, but mostly through work and not sure that's always a good thing - always lots of politics involved or just discussing work when we're supposed to be out relaxing. I really miss my old friends, we still meet up and that's lovely, but I miss the closeness we once had.
Other thing is the job. I really like psychiatry but I'm finding it really hard to work out where my niche is within it. I always saw myself eventually working in a district hospital, with some inpatient work and some outpatient/community mental health team work. Unfortunately for me, the system is changing so that many consultants end up doing either all inpatient or all outpatient work. Both those options sound quite dull, it was the variety I liked the idea of.
I'm sure a big factor in my current negative mindset is that I'm presently working full time (plus on calls) and commuting 40 miles each way to work most days. This was never a problem BC (before children), but now means I only see the duracell toddler for extremely short periods in the week - about an hour in evenings before he goes to bed. Mr O is brilliant with sorting him out and getting him to/from nursery but this doesn't make me feel like a very good or nice mummy. Would like to be home a bit more with DT. Unfortunately I have always been the major breadwinner and part time work has not been an option for us as yet. I'm holding out for October when I change post and will be much closer to home - I'm sure everything will seem much rosier then!
There you go, this is working as therapy....I think just writing this down has brightened me up a bit and is making me think about what I can do about some of these things rather than just feeling unhappy with them. So much easier to sort out other people's issues, ridiculous eh?
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3 comments:
But I thought everyone that worked in mental health had their lives all sorted and were completely mentally healthy! I made my psychiatrist giggle a lot recently by telling her I have a mental image of psychiatrists as these aloof beings that look down on me from their clouds (think the Philadelphia advert) and watch from afar, occasionally deigning to see me when they have time in their celestial schedule. I think she went around telling everyone in the office that I thought she was an angel!
Seriously though... blogging is very therapeutic, I have discovered. Since I started, I've also realised there's a pretty good UK mental health blogosphere developing, and it's easy (and nice) to be able to connect. It's really great for me to be able to read the blogs of other patients, but it's equally fascinating that I can now read from the other side (psychiatrists, mental health nurses, social workers). No doubt you'll be able to find at least a little bit of solace from all the stress here :)
"Unfortunately for me, the system is changing so that many consultants end up doing either all inpatient or all outpatient work."
Meep, not in my corner!
This is such a big issue you inspired a whole post about it!
There you go in-the-margins, even us doctors/mental health workers are human. (Actually I think that should be 'especially us doctors/mental health workers'!) I think the fact that we have bad days/times is a good thing and helps us empathise with people. Probably also why many of us work in this field.
Obviously there have been times I've met colleagues who are so overwhelmed by their own issues that they can't focus on their work and THAT isn't a good thing....
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